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My husband, kids, and I are living with my in-laws for three months before we move to Germany. It’s going surprisingly well, except for a recent conflict with my brother-in-law.
One evening, we were all playing Go Fish, except for my husband, who was on the couch playing on his computer. So I said, “Oh, you want to play your game instead of engaging with your family?” Playful. An invitation. Not mean.
My BIL apparently disagreed because he said, “That’s my brother. I know him better than anyone.” No one will know what would’ve come next, because I said, “OK. And he’s my husband.” Then I swallowed my wrath and played Go Fish. It feels like he was trying to censor me. As if I’m not allowed to tell my husband when he’s being a little antisocial.
It’s been two days and I’m still furious. I either need to talk to him or dislike him for the rest of my life. What should I do?
Talking to him might be the way to go, if you think there’s something about that interaction that is worth a revisit. Hating him for eternity seems less ideal. But I think there’s some fertile middle ground not being explored here, so I’ll propose a different way forward: Would it be better to just let this go?
I say this because the interaction as you describe it does not sound that extreme. He tried to butt into a conversation he shouldn’t have, you called him out on it, and then you both moved on. No names were called, no insults hurled, no tables flipped a la Teresa Giudice. Little spats happen in families! They don’t always warrant a post-mortem.
What would warrant a post-mortem is if this incident spoke to a larger problem you’re having with your BIL. Does he make a habit of policing your tone, or inserting himself into your marriage, or talking down to you, etc.? If something like that is going on, a sit-down makes more sense.
But if this is just one game of Go Fish gone bad, I’d drop it. You know that rule about never going to bed angry? That’s only for couples. With your in-laws, you can definitely go to bed mad sometimes. A few good sleeps and you are likely to be over it.
This is not, per se, a problem. More a matter of etiquette. I have written to the Washington Post’s “Miss Manners,” but she has not answered me.
When I invite friends for dinner, I would like to specify a timeframe: for example, ‘Please come to dinner at our house from 6:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.” Is that truly a gross thing to do, or could it be acceptable?
First of all, it is an honor to be getting Miss Manners’s sloppy seconds. Thank you. I am not some authority on etiquette, but then again, is anyone? I don’t really understand how one becomes an expert in the field. Is there some sort of graduate program you can pursue in being very polite?
Anyway. My personal take is that an invitation is not rude if it’s genuine. You are doing a kind thing by offering to host your friends for dinner; you should be allowed to set a few parameters to make it more feasible for you. There’s an art to how you frame it, of course. Less “GTFO at 9:30,” and more “I have an early morning, so we’ll have to pack things up around 9:30.”
Your invitees, of course, can decide whether these parameters appeal. They might decide that an early evening is not worth the long drive, or the cost of the babysitter, or having to miss the finale of Summer House, etc. And that’s fine! You can have the night you want, and they can have theirs.
But the people who do show up will be game for a lovely dinner and a good night’s sleep. You’ll eat together instead of alone. If that somehow violates etiquette, then what the hell is etiquette good for?
Looking for a subtle way to inform your guests that it will be an early night? Here’s a sample invitation you can use:
Any tips on how to tactfully and clearly respond to family members wanting to meet your new baby when they and their children are not vaccinated, and it makes you uncomfortable/feels unsafe?
I love them dearly and don’t want this to cause a rift in our relationship, but my child’s safety is my highest priority and this doesn’t feel like a conversation that can just be avoided.
You shouldn’t have to shield your relatives from the consequences of their decisions, but I get not wanting to be the lone force standing between Aunt Jessica and her new nephew. So I say defer to an outside authority: your pediatrician.
“We’d love to have you meet the baby, but our pediatrician recommends [insert their actual advice here, or make up whatever the hell you need in order to get these people off your back]. I will let you know as soon as we’re told it is safe to meet.”
If your relatives push back, just keep referring to the all-powerful expert in charge. “I hear what you’re saying, but we’re going to follow the advice of our doctor. I hope you understand.”
Repeat this until they exhaust themselves or die of a preventable disease, whichever comes first. Good on you for protecting your kid.
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