He could save us all.
Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Warrick Page/HBO Max, Nintendo
Fact: The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is about to make more money than any of us can fathom. Fact: The Pitt is one of the most popular and lauded television shows on air right now.
On the surface, these two items feel unrelated. What does a squat cartoon Italian plumber have to do with a very, very sleepy and grumpy attending in Pennsylvania? I have some sense of how executives think, and the way they think is in dollar signs only. They want to make more money by making new things semi-connected to old things that already make money. All of which is to say: I have an amazing idea for Hollywood that combines everything that everyone loves. What do you get when you cross the playful whimsy of the Super Mario movies with the gritty realism of The Pitt? It’s time for a Dr. Mario movie.
Look, I know that Dr. Mario isn’t one of the main big Nintendo guys. He doesn’t have the clout of Baby Mario or Tanooki Mario. Originally a game for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1990, Dr. Mario was a falling-block type of puzzle game — basically, Nintendo’s version of Tetris. You play “as” Dr. Mario, but Dr. Mario doesn’t really do anything. You’re the one rotating the pills in order to defeat viruses (okay, relevant!). The game isn’t anything special, really, but it does feature one of the best theme songs in all of the classic Nintendo games. Dr. Mario, of course, went on to appear in Super Smash Bros. iterations and in mobile games, but he has never had his day in the sun. What was the point in there being a global pandemic if not to give one of our most famous fictional doctors another chance?
The Super Mario Bros. Movie and its moneygrubbing sequel have already got a lock on silly, animated video-game adaptations for children, so maybe there’s room for the Dr. Mario movie to be a little gnarlier and grounded. Dr. Mario could be set at the hospital where Dr. Mario works in New Donk City, and maybe the film is set over a particularly stressful couple of hours in which a nasty virus breaks out all over town. Dr. Mario and his team of attendings and nurses will have to both fight viruses (the main antagonists in the Dr. Mario games) and help out other civilians who have been hurt in fires or car accidents or if they fell down a big green tube and broke their femur. What if Kirby finally swallows something too big? Only Dr. Mario could help.
It’s in the best interest of people who have money to make investments in things that are already popular, but if the Super Mario franchise is a steady moneymaker, there’s no reason they can’t take a risk on bringing Dr. Mario back to life. If a film adaptation of Dr. Mario is too big a risk, maybe there could be a limited series — and it doesn’t even have to be as gory or prescient as The Pitt. Think about it: There could be a medical drama that’s not constantly lecturing us on what is right and what is wrong but, rather, shows us Toad in scrubs doing chest compressions. Or maybe what Dr. Mario needs is not a direct adaptation but the opportunity to show off a different side of himself. Dr. Mario romantic comedy? Dr. Mario legal thriller? Maybe Dr. Mario goes on trial for patient malpractice — how do you think Dry Bones got to be that way? The possibilities for Dr. Mario are boundless, and there has never been a better time to take advantage of his medical prowess. What is it they say — “The doctor will see you now”? We want to see the doctor!
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